Water or Wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Yee Haw!

Jokes for the 50th!

Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Déjà Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Goyfer ( n.) A Gentile messenger.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..

Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and mak e-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork in it.

Computer Errors

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.ʼ

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.’ Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric............

Heaven in a bottle..

.... I may have died and gone to heaven!

Best Superbowl Commerical

This was, by far, the best one (in my opinion.) GO STEWIE!

Remember....

Remember when Stefanie and I had the music playoff at Beth's bachelorette party? That was fun. I wanna do that again.

Yankees -vs- Mets

A teacher asks her students if they're Mets fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.

"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" asks the teacher.

"The Yankees." replies Bobby.

"Why's that?"

"Well, my parents are both Yankees fans, so I'm a Yankees fan too." Bobby explains.

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No, that would make me a Mets fan!"

Things I miss because I'm trying to loose weight.

1. Pancakes, covered in syrup and butter, from the Original Pancake House.
2. Real southern fried chicken, with a batter crust so thick you need to take two bites to get to the meat.
3. A big bowl of Fruit Loops. 'nuff said.
4. Peanut Butter right from the jar. On a spoon. At 11pm.
5. Homemade apple pie, with a scoop of ice cream.

I'm sure there is more, but now I'm too damn hungry to care.

What I want.

I want a dog. A cute, cuddly dog. To play with. To cuddle with. To take care of. To look cute with.

Today's Lyrics.

Oh, let us turn our thoughts today to Martin Luther King, and recognize that there are ties between us, all men and women, living on the earth.

Ties of hope and love, sister and brotherhood.

And we are bound together, in our desire to see the world become a place in which our children can grow free and strong.

We are bound together, by the task that stands before us, and the road that lies ahead.

We are bound, and we are bound.

- James Taylor

Victorious!

Go MARYLAND!
Go McCain! (The lesser of two evils)
Go CLINTON!

Who else won?

Are you running for President?

B-I-N-G-O isnt just for cruises and old people anymore! Now, you can figure out who is running for President! Simply print out the bingo card, check off the boxes, and see! Go ahead - try it on the freak in the cubicle next to you! Or, on your husband! Or, on Hillary Clinton!

Man charged with driving mower while drunk

Unlicensed New Zealander charged with driving lawn mower while drunk
The Associated Press

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A New Zealand man has been charged with driving a lawn mower while drunk, police said Tuesday.

Richard Gunn, 52, was driving the lawn mower down a street in the northern New Zealand town of Dargaville late Monday evening when police stopped him, police spokeswoman Sarah Kennett said.

Gunn's breath alcohol level was at more than twice the legal limit for drivers, police said, and he previously had lost his driver's license.

Gunn said he has been using the lawn mower to get around town since losing his license.
"I thought I was safe," he told TV One News.

Even bicycles went faster than the lawn mower's 5 mph, he said. "I've watched them go past me."

Gunn was scheduled to appear in court later this week on charges of careless driving, driving while disqualified and driving with excess breath alcohol. He faces a potential prison term if convicted.

Police impounded the lawn mower for 28 days.

Things Yoda Says Before, During, and After Sex

- "Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!"

- "Nerrrm. Put a shield on my sabre, I must."

- "Feel the force!"

- "Foreplay, cuddling: a Jedi craves not these things."

- "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I will!"

- "Early must I rise. Leave now, you shall!"

- "Happens to every guy sometimes, this does."

- "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"

- "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear, you are!"

- "Who's the Jedi Master? Who's the Jedi Master!?!"

8 days!

After celebrating Hanukkah for 8 days, I decided to go 8 days without posting a blog. I figured, if the oil did it, so could I.

Actually, I haven't posted because I've been busy, and traveling. I'm currently in Buffton, SC, which is just outside of Hilton Head. Lets recap, shall we?

Thursday AM: Got up, got in the car, stopped at Starbucks only to find out their oven was broken and I couldn't get a spinach and feta wrap, and then proceeded to head south, south, south. After making excellent time to Richmond (under 2 hours!), I decided to take it slow and enjoy the trip. Blasting the XM radio I borrowed from Beth and Darryl, I leisurely made my way down to Charleston, SC. Along my way, I saw cars from all over, including Alaska, Ontario, Illinois, Nevada, California and Utah. Of course, when I got to Charleston, I found out that there is a REALLY big bridge i had to cross over, and that it was raining. Needless to say, after a long drive, a good bowl of gazpacho, and a beer, I was sound asleep in my all too-comfy Hampton Inn bed way earlier then I should have been.

Friday AM/PM: I got up, got coffee, and heading out to Charleston. Of course, nothing in Charleston actually opens till 10am, so I wondered for a bit. Over the course of 6 hours, I managed to see the historical continuously used sephardic synagogue in the country, visited 4 museum's, saw some of the most beautiful homes in all of America, a did a lot of shopping. By 6pm, I was done. So, I went back to my hotel, and relaxed. Pictures and whatnot will be uploaded when I am back in DC.

Saturday AM: Got up, found out it was raining again, took a quick walk along the beach, and then headed down to Larry's in Buffton, South Carolina. Got stuck in traffic. Took an hour longer then it should have. Thank goodness for XM.

Saturday PM: Went out with a bunch of Larry's friends to dinner and bar hopping in Savannah. It rained the entire time, but I had fun. I even had a turpentine smelling, pepto bismo colored white chocolate pomegranate martini. It was, well, interesting.

Sunday AM: Got up, went back to Savannah, saw lots of fantastic architecture, and then stopped on the way back at a multi-million dollar house development on the water. Fell in love with the rocking chair and the view.

So, that's it in a long nutshell. I'm off to Atlanta tomorrow to spend time with the two cutest kids in the whole wide world! (South of the mason-dixon line, and who are not twins).

Happy New Year, if I don't blog again!

Jews on Shabbat

So, this is what I love about Jews in America.

As I was driving downtown to meet Jason for dessert and a movie, I happened to glance over at the car to my right. (I was waiting for the light, please don't think I take my eyes off the road while I drive, I'm not my mother.) Anyway, there in that Volvo's front seat was a man wearing a kippah. There would be nothing abnormal about this, except that it was 7:15pm, and the sun was most definitely down. On a Friday.

So, I'm just assuming he was driving home from Shabbat services. Which I could totally understand. I fully realize that it is nearly impossible to keep all the commandments, and the rules were written at a time when traveling more then a few hundred feet during the course of a day was unheard of.

But here is the kicker. He turned into the parking lot of a mediocre fast food restaurant. Burrito Bowl for Shabbat dinner, anyone?

What's Meredith Viera REALLY like?

My friend Matt (Berger), made his television debut this morning, covering the Guiliani hospital crisis for NBC on the Today show, talking to Meredith Viera! He was on MSNBC throughout the day, talking to all sorts of people. Matt is a reporter for MSNBC, covering the campaign trail. You can see the video online, definitely watch it!

How awesome for Matt! Congrats! And to think, I knew him when! I'm so proud of him!

WalMart

This is my blog entry for the day. I'm going to try to blog every day. I mean, I eat and drink every day, so why not blog?

I'm reading a very interesting book about WalMart, called The WalMart Effect. It has some fascinating facts about the worlds largest company. Did you know that WalMart sells as much by St. Patrick's day as Target sells every year? Or that WalMart is responsible for 36 supermarket chains to declare bankruptcy over the last 5 years? Or that 91% of Americans live within 15 miles of a WalMart, and the average American household spends $2000 at WalMart each year?

Luckily, I don't fit into the 91%. Another reason I believe its a good thing to live in Bethesda.

My holiday reminder..

It's the most wonderful time of the year. There'll be much mistltoeing, and hearts will be glowing when love ones are near. It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Just a reminder to treat everyone with love and kindness during this holiday season. This commericalized, overdone, in your face holiday season that has become more about the how then the why.

But I digress.

On this, the pagan celebration of the winter solstice, think of those less fortunate then you, and give canned goods, money, unwrapped toys and your time to those who are only thought about once a year, around the same time we are pushed into reviewing our actions for the past year, and it suddenly dawns on us that we only have a few more weeks to realize our previous new years resolutions before we make new, bigger, and more unobtainable ones.

But I digress.

Eat well, for the chocolate is plentiful, the parties never end, the eggnog is rich, and the latkes are fried. Eat well so that Ballys, Golds and other companies who make their millions by telling us that we are fat can make their profit margins for the next fiscal quarter.

But I digress.

Happy Holidays!